by Jimmy Myers
When you comment on how pretty your daughter looks and she rolls her eyes and heads back upstairs to change, you know you have a teenager in your house. Unfortunately, many parents of younger children dread this transition. That small ray of sunshine in your life may temporarily morph into a surly teen — but you need not fear.
The majority of teens don't rebel. However, that is not to say that most teens don't have some conflict with their folks. Most do, and most of that conflict is appropriate — even necessary. Remember that conflict does not equal rebellion.
The occasional skirmish with Mom and Dad is to be expected because adolescents have two jobs to accomplish during these transitional years: They must form their own identities and seek their independence. Because these two essential goals will ignite occasional conflict at home, we shouldn't be surprised when our kids listen to different music than we do or dress in a fashion that we don't understand. It's developmentally appropriate for our teens to break from us so they can be who God created them to be.
Rather than running from appropriate conflict, let's embrace it and let God use it for the betterment of our families. What better way than through family conflict to learn self-control, healthy conflict management and appropriate anger expression. Our homes can be the classroom in which our kids are taught how to live life according to God's plan. The trick, of course, is that parents need to model all those qualities in the right way. We often talk about conflict being a teachable moment for our kids, but maybe those conflicts are teachable moments for us, too. The family is where God shapes and molds each one of us.
How did we get here?
Let's start at the beginning. Have you ever wondered how your sweet child turned into an angry teen? There is a biological source to your teen's anger. Hormones now play a large part in his emotional personality. Because of this natural adolescent propensity toward anger, it's crucial that your teen not see unhealthy anger modeled in the home. Remember, anger management is a learned behavior. You cannot yell at your son to stop yelling.
Now, you may be wondering what healthy anger looks like and when you need to be concerned about unhealthy anger in your home. Understand that all teens get angry on occasion; that's healthy. Also understand that it's unhealthy when anger becomes your teen's constant mood, unassociated with any event or conflict.
When instruction and discipline fail to curb your teen's anger over time, there's most likely a problem. A typical teen may get angry, express it in an unhealthy manner, receive consequences and then in time learn from those consequences. If consistent discipline does not motivate your teen to express anger differently, you may need outside assistance. Do not lose heart amid the energized emotions of adolescence.
What do we do now?
So how do we create an environment of healthy conflict and anger management? Proactive tips include requiring mutual respect between parents and kids, as well as clarifying consequences for angry outbursts. We can also draft a behavior contract that clearly defines expectations; at the same time, we can keep the focus on healthy family relationships.
When we find ourselves fully engaged in conflict with our teens, remembering the following insights can help us handle the conflict constructively.
• Our first response is usually our worst response. When we get angry, our bodies release adrenaline into our bloodstream. This biological reaction prepares us for that famous "fight or flight" response. When dealing with our kids, however, we don't need to fight or flee. Unfortunately, during the heat of conflict, we cease thinking with our brains and begin thinking with our adrenaline. That's why we exaggerate, embellish and threaten in ways that we never would if our adrenaline wasn't flowing. First and foremost, we must manage our own anger. There is no way to calm a teen if we are not calm. Understanding this, our first response should be to separate from our teen. As we send our teens to a separate room, we should clarify that this is not being done as punishment, but to allow for a calming down period.
• It's not about the parent. Our teens should never be disciplined simply because we've had it with them. They should be disciplined because that is the consequence for the choice that they have made. Our anger and need to exact punishment has no place in the discipline process. Conflict and correction need to ultimately be about our teen and God — not about us.
• Pray before handling it. We need to ask God to use us as an instrument in His hands to instruct our teens. We need to ask for wisdom and grace, trusting that each episode will prove to be redemptive.
• Training is essential. It's important we convey to our teen that just because we feel something on the inside, doesn't mean we have to express it. Teens will need coaching to wait until their adrenaline has subsided so they can say what they really mean, rather than communicating with an outburst of uncontrolled anger.
Jimmy Myers, Ph.D., is the author of Toe to Toe With Your Teen: Successfully parenting a defiant teen without giving up or giving in.
From the Thriving Family website at www.thrivingfamily.com. Copyright ©2013 Jimmy Myers. Used by permission.
