Question:
I’ve come to the realization that I’m a verbally abusive husband and father, and I desperately want to change my behavior. Can you help me start moving in that direction?
Answer:
You’ve taken an important first step by realizing that you have problem with anger and verbal abuse. In a very real sense, that’s more than half the battle.
To make the most of the self-awareness you’ve been granted, you’ll probably want to consider some intensive counseling, either with your pastor or a professional Christian marriage and family counselor near you.
As you move forward into this process, remember that anger is often fueled by feelings of fear, hurt and shame (a sense of not being good enough). Counseling will help you identify these triggering patterns, learn new coping skills, and practice more effective communication techniques. It will also uncover underlying wounds resulting from unfinished business related to your family of origin and subsequent reenactment behaviors. This in turn will enable you to avoid the reactionary type of language that can take such a devastating emotional toll on the people around you.
In the meantime, bear in mind that God wants to work on you from the inside out, bringing about through the power of His Spirit those changes that you wouldn’t be able to effect on your own. In the words of Romans 12:1 and 2, He is eager to “transform you by the renewing of your mind.” The Message puts it this way: “Here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life – your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life – and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.
Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what He wants from you and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you and develops well-formed maturity in you.”
This is what your wife and children desperately need from you. They want you to allow God to bring the best out in you. They know that “best” is there because they’ve seen it.
Copyright © 2010, Focus on the Family. Used by permission.
