by Sami Yacoub
Part of When Children Choose Series:
When Children Choose 1 When Children Choose 2
When Children Choose 3 When Children Choose 4
I come back to conclude my discussion of our children’s choices and what we should do when these choices do not match up with what we want for them or when we see it somehow threatening their futures. As a father, I admit how difficult such a situation is. It plants in us both doubt on whether or not we have succeeded in raising them and fear that we may lose them, although the experience of others shows that both assumptions are incorrect.
As our parents have done, we must at some point bless our younger generation to be released onto the roads to their futures. Maybe we should even bless them with the same faith that allowed Abraham to deliver Isaac, the promised son, into the hands of God. He was fully aware that God was capable of giving him a new life if taken from him! With faith, Isaac also blessed his sons’ futures. Jacob also blessed Joseph’s sons, Manasseh and Ephraim (Hebrews 11:17-21). I wonder why the Bible specifically mentions Jacob blessing Joseph’s two sons although he blesses all of his twelve sons before he died also (Genesis 49). Was it because they were raised in the cultured society of Egypt and Jacob thought that faith alone can guarantee they make good choices and stand firm in their father’s faith. Maybe! In that case, we need faith that helps us trust that what we wish for our children’s futures will come true even if we do not see it presently. If there is no way for us to please God except through faith, then that includes the faith that our children will also choose what will please God sooner or later. Our faith, however, has to be translated practically into the way we deal with our children when we disagree with them and are surprised by unexpected reactions from them.
Firstly, I hope we all realize that aggressive confrontation with children will drive them into a power struggle between their will and parental authority, especially when they feel as though their parents still treat them as immature children. In such cases, reactions differ based on your son or daughter’s personality. Some rebel openly and refuse any advice that may limit their free choice. Others may outwardly express that they are convinced of their parents’ opinions while a volcano of rejection builds up inside them which could turn into bitterness that stays with them a lifetime if not dealt with immediately.
When the apostle Paul wrote the Romans “live at peace with everyone” he did not exclude those we live with under the same roof! The apostle paved the way to making peace by clarifying a practical and wise way to do that: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you…” (Romans 12:18). This means that if peace-making is in your hands, then you should do your best to make it happen. Choose the best time for conversation, and listen with patience because anger deprives you from the opportunity for your child to realize that what you want is for his/her good. Also a bad temper leads to the loss of warmth and doubts in truthfulness of a parental relationship. What helps us keep our cool is our belief that our children’s motives are usually pure and honest in their entirety even if they seem to be bad choices.
I do not think we need to emphasize that conversation does not involve dictating lectures and insistence that our children listen to what we say or when their turn comes to speak that we may deafen our ears to what they have to say. I have learned both the easy and the hard way to set aside trivial matters when discussing vital life decisions. In the business world, we were advised not to try and kill two birds with one stone or we will likely lose both. Wise conversation is one that begins with asking questions that prompt our children to critically think about the reasons behind their disagreement with our opinions. Today’s youth, unlike how we were brought up educationally and socially, do not accept absolute truths before analyzing the logical reasons and test it through their knowledge. Only then can they truly evaluate the choices and reach the results themselves. Isn’t this what we were after when we chose the best schools and most elite education for them? Do we then contradict ourselves by rejecting their contemporary style in thinking and speaking?
Finally, although patience and forgiveness are hard to practice, they are of vital importance if we want to win children that live in the fear of God. Just as ordering or begging in order to influence their decisions are means which will never lead to anything, love, acceptance, and forgiveness ensure a lasting impact whether or not we see a change immediately. So do not allow your impatience to cause a rift between you. When God came to Adam after he had sinned and asked him: “Where are you?” He knew that Adam and Eve had fallen into disobedience. He did not need to know where Adam was in regards to his location, but what He meant was: “Where are you in regards to your relationship with me?” God likely expected Adam and Eve to admit to their mistake and regret their disobedience, but they did not! But God demonstrated “His own love for [them] in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Following God the Father’s example, the father in the story of the Prodigal Son saw his son returning at a distance and ran to greet him. He did not hesitate for a moment to respond to the glimmer of hope that his return means the son had reconsidered his choice for himself when he stubbornly left the house. He ran to meet him halfway because he still loved him.
“[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes…Love never fails…And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13: 7-8, 13). May we have faith that renews in us a hope for the future we want for our children and wait for our love to become fruitful in their lives that they may stand firm in truth. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!
Copyright © 2012 Focus on the Family Middle East. All rights reserved. Originally published in Watani Paper 30.9.2012.
