by Sami Yacoub
Part of When Children Choose Series:
When Children Choose 1 When Children Choose 2
When Children Choose 3 When Children Choose 4
Being a responsible father or an effective mother is not an easy task. Starting the day they are born and up until they begin to take strides towards independence from the circle of our direct influence, we are responsible for teaching them the arts of life and training them to choose wisely the path they will take.
We are responsible for standing by them and supporting them during tribulations. We are responsible for guiding them through challenges and showing them how to overcome problems and avoid dangers. All these parental duties, which shape the lives of our children, are one side of the parenting scale while the other side of the scale is the weight of what we must teach them through the example we set in our own lives.
I grew up with a father who was a man of very few words, but the way in which he lived his life with unique diligence taught me a lot of what enriches my life today. I always woke up to find him consumed in his study of the Bible, and he never shied away from praying out loud even when alone. Life took its course, and soon after that I became a father myself and found myself enjoying listening to my children quietly sneaking in to my bedroom to embrace their mother as they listened to us both praying together. Because this early daily meeting with our Lord has become a family tradition in our home, I feel a special type of joy when I hear either of them joining us in prayer with a husky voice addressing God with sincerity, passion, and a new jargon! And it is true that a parent’s inheritance is reborn in their grandchildren!
Although I believe the responsibility of having and raising children is one of the most wondrous things one can experience throughout life, it can also be a source of pain comparable to tooth pains or sudden renal colic. Just as a wise son may please his father, a stubborn one saddens his heart! When I say “pain” I am not referring to the sleepless nights or painstaking effort parents put in to provide the best education and day-to-day lives for their children. I also do not mean the heart that shuddered at a doctor’s door who was stitching a head wound from school or putting a cast on an arm hurt at a soccer game.
No, we experience real pain when our children have grown and obstinately refuse to make the wisdom of their parents a launching grounds for a better future. Because one definition for disappointment is that it comes from the collision of expectations with reality, we cannot avoid it when our children’s questions pierce us: “Is your opinion binding or optional?” Oh dear! Dad’s advice has now become constrained, affected by Tahrir Square, between the choices “binding” or “optional.”
The last parental decision children do not resist is the school we choose for them as we see fit in our own point of view. Regardless of our choice, however, the question we always ask after the first day of school is: “How was school? Did you like it?” From there begin the endless discussions about a series of choices much deeper than convincing them of the benefits of eating their spinach or that the outfit they insist on wearing is now too small because they have grown. In this manner, discussions about their decisions evolve as they get older.
As parents we cannot ignore the reality that our children’s choices are directly related to their personal preferences along with their talents and abilities with which they are naturally born. We also cannot overlook that the new means of learning and the enormous impact the surrounding media has on them have widened the gap between the youth and the generation of parents now. That is why it is not realistic to expect our children to make choices in the same way we did when we were their age.
Does this mean we should give up and surrender to their astounding abilities to evaluate future choices? Or keep quiet when their decisions oppose what we as parents may recognize through our experience as best for them? Who of us can accept to be only a source of financial funding or social support for their children as they refuse them as a guide for their choices?
Parental advice can never by classified as “binding” or “optional” because it comes from those who are willing to give even from their own lives to make the other live a longer and happier life. Whatever your education or experience, compared to what your children have your achieved because of how you brought them up, do not underestimate the value of what life has taught you. Every parent can, with true insight, see much farther than children who focus on the where they are in the moment despite the distinctiveness of the educational degrees they may have received.
Do not allow fear of accusations that you don’t understand their reasoning for making a certain choice you think jeopardizes their future hold you back from sharing your point of view. Even if your feelings get hurt or their attitude upsets you, stand firm and do not keep quiet so that you do not lose your final battle to ensure for them, with God’s grace, a future filled with success and stability. After you have done your part, without pressuring them or shutting the lines of communications with them in anger, all you have to do is leave them in the hands of the Mighty One and remove yourself to wait for God’s deliverance. This is how one becomes a responsible father and an effective mother.
If you are a son or daughter who happened to read this, I encourage you to take advantage of something I consider to be your right…From the heart of a father who was blessed to have raised two sons: I understand your desire to make your life decisions on your own. I appreciate your desire to become independent from what you feel are pressures from which you would rather be released. It is your right to choose what you want for yourself, and it is your right to know that I trust your ability to make decisions you believe will help you attain goals you have set for your life. However, if that happens to contrast what the insight and advice your parents share with you, pause for a moment and consider what the wisest man of the age told his children. I bring you the explication of the meanings he meant to convey through the original language written:
“Son, do not belittle your parents’ consult, and do not turn your back on your mother’s advice because their words are like a precious crown of grace on your head and a necklace of prized blessings that can be on your neck for all your days!”
“You too, my daughter, listen to your father’s advice, and never disregard what your mother teaches you for their words to you are like flowers of rare qualities which adorn the braids of your hair and a necklace of gems which surrounds your neck and hangs on your chest next to your heart.”
Proverbs 1:8-9
This is what I say to every son and daughter. However, if you are a parent who happens to run across this article, stay tuned until next time as I have more to say to you also!
Copyright © 2012 Focus on the Family Middle East. All rights reserved. Originally published in Watani Paper 5.8.2012.
