Question:
My spouse is the sort of person who avoids conflict and seems to want “peace at any price.” Meanwhile, unresolved issues are seething just beneath the surface and we’re growing more emotionally distant with every passing day. How can I stop this destructive trend before it’s too late?
Answer:
Not too many people actually enjoy conflict, especially in marriage. So it’s not surprising that your spouse may prefer to avoid it.
Still, some clashes are inevitable in any marriage. No matter how similar you and your mate may be in terms of basic interests, values, and personalities, men and women are wired differently. Many women want to deal with problems by talking them out while their husbands prefer to withdraw – which the wives find maddening. Occasionally it’s the opposite, with the wife doing the avoiding.
This can be explained in a number of ways. A woman may be better with language, better at articulating her thoughts and making cogent arguments. Her husband may feel overwhelmed by the onslaught of her verbiage and reluctant to “lose” in a straightforward exchange of opinion. It’s also possible that the avoiding partner has grown up in a home where one parent verbally abused the other, or where the parents never argued at all – in other words, where there was no model of constructive and honest conflict resolution. Reduplicating this situation is far from desirable, since unresolved anger, bitterness, and fear can have serious medical and emotional consequences.
Whatever the precise scenario, it stands to reason that spouses won’t always agree. They have their own expectations and needs. So when the honeymoon is over and tensions come to the surface, how do you handle conflict when one partner wants to avoid it?
If this is your situation, we suggest you ask your spouse to try an experiment with you. It will take just twenty minutes once or twice a week. During the first ten minutes of that time, one of you will talk about issues that are bothering you. The other will agree to listen without argument or debate – no seeking to set the other person straight or change anyone’s mind. The only response allowed is to ask for clarification. During the second ten minutes the other spouse will talk. Again, a request for clarification is the only response permitted.
At the end of the twenty minutes take a time-out from each other. Reflect on what your spouse has said. Does it help you understand some of the reasons for his or her feelings?
If, having tried this, your partner still seems intent on avoiding all conflict in your relationship, it’s time to seek professional help. Procure the services of a Christian counselor who can help the two of you gain perspective on what’s happening beneath the deceptively calm surface of your relationship.
Excerpted from The Complete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. Copyright © 2006, Focus on the Family.
